http://www.joaquin-phoenix.net
SIGNS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT™
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
INT. CORNFIELD
MEL GIBSON runs out into his cornfield.
MEL GIBSON
I must locate my precocious Culkin
child and cute-but-impossible-to
understand daughter.
He finds them in the middle of a large crop circle.
MEL GIBSON (CONT'D)
A crop circle! And it can't
possibly be done by a bunch of kids
with boards tied to rope, it's too
perfect.
RORY CULKIN
This can only be the work of
aliens.
MEL GIBSON
Don't be silly, you obnoxious
little puke. As a priest turned
staunch atheist, I believe there is
a simple, rational explanation for
everything. I will, however, ignore
that in this case to move the thin
story along. In any case, this sure
isn't the work of aliens.
AUDIENCE
Aliens, eh? Suuuure. I wonder
what's REALLY going on. Some big M.
Night Shyamalan surprise ending
awaits, no doubt.
The movie crawls along at an ungodly slow pace. The
AUDIENCE confuses this for SUSPENSE. MEL sees a shadowy
figure on his roof.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Let's chase it, even though it
doesn't look even remotely human.
They chase it, and it jumps around off camera, clearly
displaying inhuman powers.
MEL GIBSON
Because the audience has not seen
these monsters, our general lack of
intense fear will match with the
audience's apathy.
RORY CULKIN
This is definitely the work of
aliens.
AUDIENCE
(winking)
Uh huh. Aliens. Sure thing,
Macaulay.
RORY CULKIN
I'm Rory.
AUDIENCE
Whatever. You're all no-talent ass
clowns. How many of you are drug
addicts so far, anyway?
INT. MEL'S HOME
MEL'S KIDS read about ALIENS while ABIGAIL BRESLIN litters
the house with full glasses of water, which is the most
obvious DEVICE WHICH WILL BECOME IMPORTANT LATER in the
history of film.
RORY CULKIN
According to this book about
aliens, they send ground troops
first to survey the area, and then
they go back for reinforcements,
which may include enormous armies in
ships which can cloak themselves.
Chances are, they will destroy us or
enslave us.
MEL GIBSON
Good to know that, even on far-away
planets with significantly higher
technological achievements, aliens
are still just as primitive and
barbaric as human beings. At least
humans are better than that bullshit
no-good God who killed my wife and
turned me completely anti-religious.
Suddenly, MEL experiences another piece of the same
flashback he keeps having.
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. ROADWAY
MEL discovers his wife has been run over by DIRECTOR M.
NIGHT SHYAMALAN.
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN
I ran your wife into this tree in
much the same way as I have run my
manipulative directorial style into
the ground.
MEL GIBSON
Wife! You can't die! It will send
me spiraling into atheism without
looking back!
WIFE
(coughing blood)
Tell Joaquin to swing away...
(dying)
And to use his bat to hit the alien
and save everyone and show us all
that everything happens for a
reason.
(dies)
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. MEL'S HOME
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Hey, a whole bunch of space ships
are filling the skies. Aliens are
invading.
AUDIENCE
Heh. But, really it's something
else right? Or, like, the whole
family is made of aliens, and
they're invading to bring them home?
Or the little girl is an alien?
Or..something?
ABIGAIL BRESLIN
(incomprehensible
babbling)
MEL GIBSON nails his entire house shut. Aliens try to get
in.
AUDIENCE
So...this actually is about aliens?
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I'm so terrified. We don't even
get to see the monsters, we're
sealed into this claustrophobic
house, awaiting infiltration from
the unknown on the outside!
They hide in the CELLAR, the TINIEST and DARKEST room of
all. RORY CULKIN has an asthma attack. And they don't have
any kind of weapon. And, uh, the lights go out, too. Sure,
why not?
INT. CELLAR - THE NEXT DAY
Everyone exits the cellar.
MEL GIBSON
Wow, what a fright, I sure am glad
that nightmare is over. It sure is
impressive how this movie has been
suspenseful without relying on silly
special effects.
All of a sudden, they discover an IMP FROM THE VIDEO GAME
DOOM in the living room.
MEL GIBSON (CONT'D)
Holy hell! Where's my BFG?
RORY CULKIN
You have to register to get a BFG,
Dad.
MEL GIBSON
Damn!
ABIGAIL BRESLIN
(unintelligible
blathering)
MEL notices JOAQUIN PHEONIX standing next to a BASEBALL
BAT.
MEL GIBSON
I have noticed the baseball bat on
the wall independently of my wife's
premonitions, but seeing it has
triggered my memory of her last
words, which gives me the idea to
tell Joaquin to use it. If not for
my wife, I'd never have thought to
use this bat, so really the stupid
flashbacks throughout the film exist
for a very good reason. Yes.
JOAQUIN bashes the IMP FROM DOOM with a baseball bat. Then
they realize that water can kill the IMP .
MEL GIBSON (CONT'D)
Water! This is why my prattling
daughter leaves water all over the
place! And my son has athsma so that
he can survive the alien attacks!
Truly, everything DOES happen for a
reason!
They attack the IMP with water.
IMP FROM DOOM
Ahhh! Water! The only thing that
can destroy my species! Jesus, it
was pretty fucking stupid to invade
this planet, considering it's 75%
water and its inhabitants are mostly
water as well.
(dies)
MEL GIBSON
Truly these occurences have showed
me that there is a higher power.
Granted, tons of people died and
they were not given the same sort of
special treatment I was, but what's
important is my obnoxious children
are alive.
AUDIENCE
What? That's it? Where's the big,
farfetched surprise ending?
DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN
Surprise! There is a God!
END
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