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Conan O'Brien Interview Note: This interview is also available as an audio file: Part One / Part Two. JOAQUIN PHOENIX: This is a crowd! You got a crowd! CONAN O'BRIEN: Nice crowd! We're happy to see you. You're very cool. JP: Oh, it's you. CO: No, man. Trust me. Trust me, that was for you. I've been out here for a while. What are you looking at? JP: Can I just ask a quick question? CO: Yeah, quick question. Ask away. JP: You have this nice, comfortable chair here. CO: Yes, yes. JP: And this is kind of... I don't really know what to make of this. CO: Uh... JP: What've you actually got? This... CO: What do you mean? I think that's a very nice chair! JP: Well, it's nice for... CO: That was in my apartment for like, four years. JP: Oh, how kind of you to grant it to us. CO: Yeah. JP: It's just so little. I'm not quite sure. I kind of want to face you but then I look here, I'm not sure what to do. CO: It's your choice as an actor. You make a choice and you stick with it. I mean, look what my chair does! JP: I need some direction. Let me go up and down. CO: Woo! JP: See? CO: It goes down. JP: I can't do that. CO: Actually, I hit this lever once accidentally during an interview and it fell and I didn't know it, and I was just like this [laughter] the rest of the time. JP: That's great. It looks much smaller than I thought. CO: It is small. What if I was just, [high pitched voice] "Hey, Joaquin, what's up!" JP: Yeah, everything's really, really small. CO: It's like the [unintelligible] video. So how are you? JP: Doing really good, thank you. CO: You seem thrilled to be here, which is cool. Uh... JP: Hmmm. [laughter] CO: I know y'all love these shows. JP: No, I'm being sarcastic, it's great. CO: No, um... I'm curious about something. We're going to talk about Buffalo Soldiers in just a second, but you just finished shooting for like, six months on a movie that's about firefighters, where you had to pretty much train to be a real firefighter. JP: Yeah. CO: Which for a lot of people, like for a lot of kids growing up, that would be like a cool, fun thing to do. I used to love firehouses when I was a kid. I used to think that it'd be cool to go down the fire pole. Did you do that? JP: Well, I majored in cowardice in Cal State, so... CO: Really? JP: So I wasn't really built for that kind of thing. CO: Right, right. JP: I'm meant to sit in a rocking chair and smoke a pipe and that kind of thing. CO: Right, right. JP: So I go down there, and yeah, it was the first thing to do. When you're a firefighter, y'know, you gotta slide down the pole. And I got up and I looked down and I was like, "I can't do that. You're crazy." 'Cause I'm certain that you land and your feet just go up into your torso [laughter] and then you die, and... CO: And then you walk around like in a cartoon? JP: I'm not kidding, it's very scary. CO: Yeah. JP: You look down, it's very scary. So, um, it's just so humiliating. I knew this was going to happen to me. I had to, uh... They got a ladder and put it next to the pole, and I went up like three rungs and like slid down. [laughter] I was very proud of myself. CO: And then they gave you a cookie. [laughter] JP: Yeah! It was amazing. And then I went up five rungs. CO: Right, right. JP: And I finally made it to the top and that was really amazing. I felt triumphant. CO: Now, you actually had what was... You actually got into a situation where you were mistaken for a real fireman and you had to try and come to the rescue. Is that true? JP: Yeah. Well, not the rescue. But I'd gone down to the firehouse and the guys had gone on a run. I'd missed them — I was with one of the kids from the movie, Balthazar Getty — and these undercover cops came up and they said they needed help with a forceful entry. CO: And they didn't recognise you guys? JP: No, we were wearing our blues and, y'know, we were at the fire house. And, so I said, "Yeah, sure thing." Y'know, and I'm going, "What the hell am I gonna do?!" So I run and I grab this huge battering ram that takes, like, six people to do it and the cop looked at it and he's like, "You're not gonna need that, man, we'll probably just take a halogen," which is a tool that they use, like a large crowbar. CO: Right. JP: So we went down there and we go to the door and they point out the door and [sighs] we have no idea what to do. [laughter] We don't know how to open this door. CO: Did you have this tool, this halogen? JP: We had this tool. We were holding it, we looked good. [laughter] CO: Yeah! That's all... That's nine tenths of it, isn't it? JP: For the movie, but here we are in real life. We gotta open this door. CO: Right, right. JP: So we worked at this thing and, honestly, it was like fifteen minutes, and the cops were just out and out laughing at us. Like, there was nothing more you could do. So, I mean I tried everything and I did the kind of shoulder thing and I literally bounced off the door [laughter] and went down the stairs. CO: 'Cause I've always thought that: I've seen it in the movies, but when you really... Every time I've run up against a door and put my shoulder to it, nothing happens. JP: So you tried that as well? CO: Yeah, I've tried to get that, I'm always trying to break into women's rooms and, y'know. [laughter] Move on! It's your story, not mine. JP: No, let's go on to another...It's started getting dark and uncomfortable and this is meant to be fun. You thought it was going to be a fun show, right? CO: Exactly! I tried. I try to get the band playing the good music up front— JP: I thought everything was going really good, they... CO: —I played the March of the Elephants. [laughter] JP: I like that! That's very quick, how you did the marching elephants thing. CO: Oh good, thank you. I'm always trying, I'm always killing time out here. Let's talk about... In Buffalo Soldiers — you shot this, Buffalo Soldiers, in Germany. JP: Mmm-hmm. CO: And one thing... I got to go to Germany once for like a day, on business, and I really wanted to go on the Autobahn. Did you get to drive on the Autobahn? JP: Conan O'Brien, it's just so funny that you asked me that. [laughter] You know? Are you reading— CO: Do you have an Autobahn story? JP: You read my mind! CO: Do you have an Autobahn story? JP: I have an Autobahn story! CO: Oh, this is crazy! JP: I don't believe it! [laughter & cheering] He's amazing! I don't know how you do it. CO: That is weird. It's almost as if someone called you yesterday and you talked. [laughter] JP: It's like I had a pre-interview or something. CO: Oh wow. JP: I don't know how you do it. You know what? You're gifted. CO: Well... JP: You're gifted. CO: It's a gift! You don't question it, it's a gift JP: Don't question it! It's beautiful, use it, take advantage of it. CO: Things come into my mind and I ask. So, the Autobahn. [laughter] JP: Well, now it's not... Now it's like, totally anticlimactic. I can't tell the story. I mean, this whole bit was much funnier. [laughter] CO: What a great way to get out of telling a story. JP: No! I'll tell them... CO: You're a very crafty guy! JP: I'll tell the Autobahn story. Well, I was just always excited about the Autobahn because there's no rules. Well, I just thought it was fantastic. You just drive. CO: There's no speed limit at all. JP: Yeah, there's no speed limit. And I did it, and I was driving on it, and it was the most terrifying experience I've ever had in my life. I thought, like, "This should be illegal!" [laughter] That's what I was thinking. I guess it is here, but... CO: Ye-eah. JP: There they're totally cool with it. But it's like, it's so strange because you have to be like a hawk-eye, you have to see your exit a mile in advance, or else you're going so fast you kinda look up and you're like, "You better slip— okay..." [laughter] And it's gone, and that's it. CO: Right, right. JP: And so I kind of just, I kind of gave up on the whole exit thing at some point [laughter] and we basically just kept driving because you're brakes don't, like... After 300mph the brakes aren't gonna really do anything, y'know what I mean? CO: Right, right. JP: You're going that speed and they kind of just go, like, [English accent] "You know, mate, you're on your own." [laughter] I have English brakes, by the way. CO: You have British brakes! JP: Yeah, they're British brakes. CO: You need German brakes! [German accent] Sie must stop now! JP: But I don't know, I think that the, uh... I think the exits just kind of launch you into space or something. CO: Sure, yeah. JP: I don't think it actually goes down, it's kind of— CO: I don't even want— now I don't want to go and try it, it sounds too frightening for me. I like fifty-five. I'm that kind of guy. JP: I know! Just nice and easy, leisurely, you take in the sights a little bit... CO: Put it on cruise control... JP: Otherwise it's terrifying. [into the audience] Shall I favour this area now? CO: I liked it when you were looking at me, but all right, look out at them. [cheering from audience] JP: Oh no! I'm gonna... [drowned out by cheering] CO: Oh dear. I'm gonna favour this area. JP: Woah, woah! What does this mean? What's the big red thing? CO: Oh, hey, let's shoot that. That's the big red wrap that I get. Hey, look at this angle right here! Does this look like a cool album cover? Joaquin and I made an album! [laughter] JP: Look hard, do your hard look. Do the hard look. CO: What's that? JP: Do a hard look. Do— Okay, wait. Just turn away from me for a second, close your eyes and when I call your name, just give me your hardest look. CO: Yes, sir. JP: Okay. Conan! [Conan does his look, much laughter] JP: Ni-ice! Nice! Fucking beautiful! CO: [laughing] You're just swearing at me like... JP: Oh, did I just say fuck? Sorry! [laughter] CO: Yes, you did just say that, yeah! I love that. JP: You can't say that! CO: Hey, come on! We can do anything we want. We rule the night! JP: Nice, nice. CO: You know, we have to show this clip from Buffalo Soldiers. We have a clip here from Buffalo Soldiers. JP: But they said that I didn't have to lead in... CO: You don't have to. Yeah, I get the word: Joaquin doesn't want to set it up, so I'll set up the clip. JP: Yeah, set it up. CO: Here's what we— I was in Buffalo Soldiers and I... [laughter] I'll be you! I play this scheming soldier, I'm always scheming, kind of like a Bilko character. And Ed Harris is my commanding officer, he doesn't know what I'm up to. Here's a clip of me trying to scam him. [they show the clip, audience cheers] You're a bad man. JP: I know. CO: Buffalo Soldiers opens tomorrow in select cities. JP: Right. CO: Expanding farther in the weeks ahead. JP: Yeah. CO: You know what? Yes? JP: Do they have to beep out the "sheisse"? CO: No no no... JP: 'Cause, y'know, it's German for the bad word? Or are they cool with that? CO: German for what? JP: Shhhhh... [laughter] CO: No, it's all right, we'll take care of it. We'll take care of the whole thing. JP: You're gonna make everything clean. CO: I have such power over late night television, that I can... Yeah, America will accept it tonight, 'cause I say so. JP: That's all right. Thank you. CO: You know what? It was very cool having you here. JP: Thank you! CO: That was great. Joaquin Phoenix! |