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Joaquin Phoenix On Jay Leno Note from transcriber: This is all typed out with all the ums and ers and dot-dot-dots exactly as they spoke, which gives you an idea of how spaced-out Joaq was on this show. Also, there may be a couple of minor mistakes because the quality of the video is terrible, but this is pretty close to verbatim. You can watch the clip here.
[Joaquin enters — wearing a black suit, blue shirt and no tie — hugs Jay and sits down. The audience screams a lot.] JOAQUIN PHOENIX: My sister's... JAY: What was that? JOAQ: My sister's in the audience today. JAY: Your sister's in the audience. JOAQ: Yeah. My little sister, yeah. JAY: Really? She didn't seem to know you. JOAQ: Oh, really? My mom's in there somewhere. JAY: Your mom is here too? JOAQ: I don't know. JAY: How you been? JOAQ: Yeah, real good. JAY: Congratulations on all your success. JOAQ: Ooh, thank you. JAY: Yeah. Yeah, it's very cool. JOAQ: Woo-hoo! JAY: Joaquin, that's an interesting name. Did you change it, or was it always that? JOAQ: It was...always that. JAY: It was always that. JOAQ: No! I changed it as a child...I changed it 'cause nobody could pronounce it properly. JAY: Oh, so it was Joaquin, and you changed it to something else. JOAQ: Yeah, I was born Joaquin... JAY: Right. JOAQ: ...and, er...I changed it to Antleaf. JAY: Antleaf?! JOAQ: Yeah. I don't know... JAY: That's so much easier to understand. JOAQ: ...I don't know why I did that. Nobody knows, it's a great mystery in the family. JAY: Antleaf. Is that one word, or is it two words? Is it Ant Leaf, or Antleaf? JOAQ: Um...just one word. JAY: Just one word. JOAQ: Yeah, yeah. Then I went back to Joaquin, 'cause I was in Mexico and then translating that...you can imagine. JAY: I can't imagine. JOAQ: You can't? JAY: What does Ant...you know I can't even imagine Antleaf in English. What does it mean in... JOAQ: You've gotta use that imagination a little bit. JAY: What does it mean in Spanish? JOAQ: Uh...what does it mean in Spanish? No...in Spanish, leaf — I think, if I'm right — is oja, and eye is ojo, and garlic is ajo. And so I would confuse them and I'd introduce myself as Garlic all the time and as you can see...as you can imagine, it didn't work out so good. JAY: But ajo is not good. Hey, you're a real ajo! I mean, that's not... JOAQ: That's...that's...that's not good. JAY: Yeah, that's not good. But you see, you're back now, you're back. And this name seems to work for you. JOAQ: I'm gonna stick with it for a while... JAY: Yeah. JOAQ: ...I think. JAY: Yeah. JOAQ: Why...what do you think? JAY: No, it works for you. Now that... JOAQ: Should I stick with it? JAY: Now people kinda know who you are. 'Cause before you... JOAQ: No! No, people still call me Jo-wah-quam and... JAY: Jo-wah-quam?! JOAQ: Yeah. JAY: I like that one. JOAQ: No, well, 'cause I was real nervous, I thought I was gonna mess up your name. JAY: You look real tired. JOAQ: No! No, this is what I do. It's like, you know when you're nervous you act like you're tired and stuff, like I just... JAY: My cat does that. JOAQ: Oh, great, you know...I'm the cat. This thing is stuck. JAY: Yeah, they're tied down. JOAQ: No, I keep...I keep thinking I'm going to have a mess-up and call you Lay Jeno or something. JAY: Lay Jeno! JOAQ: You called me [bleep!]quin, which...which was a big relief. JAY: Oh, we don't have to bleep that, that's good... JOAQ: I know. They didn't...they didn't have to do... JAY: Now what did I see? I read in your, uh...I read in your bio — and you do have...you do have a bio. JOAQ: I do? JAY: Yes. You do actually. JOAQ: Like, a page long is this? JAY: No, no. It's almost, uh, two paragraphs. Now it says that you... [audience finally gets the joke and laughs] JOAQ: It's so good to be here. JAY: It is! JOAQ: God! JAY: Well, we love having you. JOAQ: It's great. JAY: You see, if you get all those people it builds you up, then it just knocks you right down on your ass. JOAQ: Hey, man, that's great. Reminds me of home. JAY: But it says you literally used to sing in the streets with your family. Is this true? JOAQ: Hmmm...is that true? JAY: Mr Simpson, you are under oath. JOAQ: Uh...well, I'm really...I wanna be honest, but I'm trying...I'm really... JAY: This is quality showbiz. JOAQ: I mean, you know...I didn't technically sing, you know. I kind of just...kind of bumped into my brother and sisters. I just kind of rolled around. JAY: But what, were you like a Roadshow Osmond thing or what? You know, what? What was the gig? JOAQ: What was the gig? We were gorgeous! Little gold outfits and stuff. We were just...just fabulous. I don't know what, you know... JAY: You guys...where do you come from? JOAQ: ...It just seemed beautiful. 'Cause, y'know, our parents just encouraged us to...to express ourselves always, y'know, growing up, whatever it may be. And, um...I had no talent, uh...doing anything. So they just...they put me in like a, y'know, a gold plastic suit and just, y'know...told me to do circles of the streets, and... JAY: Was there an organ grinder in line with this outfit? JOAQ: There was a little bit, with the collar and the...yeah, so...that was my life experience. [Joaquin takes a drink — he's been drinking from Jay's cup throughout the interview] JAY: Hey, can I have some of your water when you're done with mine? [Joaquin takes a moment to register] JAY: Can I have some of your water? [It finally hits him] JOAQ: Oh! God! What do you put in that? JAY: Crack. There's crack in there. JOAQ: God, you guys...I wondered what you...[to guy offstage] Hey, my man, you're really sick, I didn't realise...I never noticed...you really... JAY: I've never heard Kevin described as sick before. JOAQ: No, but he's...I noticed...I noticed in the makeup room how...how built you were. JAY: He's a bodybuilder. Kevin works out. JOAQ: Me too, Lay. JAY: Really? JOAQ: No, I don't work out... JAY: What, this week? JOAQ: [faking annoyance] Man...'Cause I was blessed with a gift. I was just...I have a God-given physique. [much screaming from female audience] JOAQ: Oh no! JAY: You're pretty buff in Gladiator. JOAQ: That's, er...yeah. You don't know! We're just hoping for the best here. JAY: Now, wearing all the armour, that must've been kind of cool. Did you...didn't you look good in Gladiator? JOAQ: I want you to know that that was an exact replica of my God-given physique. JAY: Really? JOAQ: Yeah, the armour. It is. JAY: Wow. It did very well, I think. JOAQ: Yeah, it did alright. JAY: And we have something in common here. You're a biker as well, right? You have a motorcycle? JOAQ: I'm not really a biker, I mean... JAY: I know that. JOAQ: I mostly just get into accidents. JAY: Yeah. JOAQ: But uh... JAY: You fall down a lot. JOAQ: I do, because... No, I'm fine once I'm going, but it's just when I try and stop is... JAY: Yeah. See, when a motorcycle becomes stationary...it falls over. JOAQ: And that's why, you know... JAY: It's not like a car. As you're moving...but as soon as you stop, you see, you'll do this. [mimes falling sideways] JOAQ: See, that's the thing. That's...and I actually get... JAY: You can't keep the motorcycle stationary, that would be my guess. Now did they let you ride — I know you did this movie in Malta — did they let you ride motorcycles and do things like that? JOAQ: They didn't even let me walk alone, I'm real brain-dead... JAY: They didn't... JOAQ: No, the insurance was absolute, you know. They didn't really... JAY: So what did you do? You were in Malta for what — three months? Did you cruise around the island, do all that? JOAQ: Not so much cruising... JAY: I don't mean cruising like that. Did you see the island? JOAQ: Yeah, the first day! The first day, I saw like, everything that the island offered... JAY: [sarcastic] Really? You saw everything the island offered? JOAQ: Virtually... JAY: Is there anything more American than that? [New York accent] "Yeah, I saw France the first day! And then we came back. Then we went to McDonald's..." JOAQ: You don't understand... JAY: "I saw everything these foreign people have to offer in one day!" JOAQ: You don't understand. Malta is like, the size of this stage, and they have like this tourist guide, y'know, it's about two pages long — it's like my bio. It really is like, that big, and so I saw everything. JAY: Okay. Now we have a clip from Gladiator. JOAQ: [staring at the backdrop] What is this? JAY: You seem puzzled by it. JOAQ: Well, I was just... What is that? JAY: You know, if you watched the show every once in a while, you'd know that was the backdrop. JOAQ: A backdrop of what? Is that Los Angeles? JAY: No, that is a window. That's not...that's not a painting, that's the actual outside. JOAQ: But is it supposed to be the real outside? Of...where? What is it? JAY: What is it? JOAQ: Where am I?! JAY: That is the Grand Canyon in Arizona! JOAQ: It is? I don't know! JAY: The Grand Canyon. [Joaquin picks up his proper cup] JAY: Need a drink? JOAQ: No, you need this, 'cause you're so nervous, I can tell. [hands Jay the cup, reads the label on the side of it] Guest number one, look at that. Get that...are we getting that? JAY: Yeah. Guest number one. JOAQ: What am I? [looks at cup he's been drinking from all night] Oh, I'm Jay! That's gorgeous. JAY: This is a scene... JOAQ: [pretending to be Jay] So, anyway, Joaquin, just tell me something... [realises Jay is talking to him] What? What am I doing? JAY: This is a scene with Richard Harris. JOAQ: Yeah. He's alright. JAY: He's alright. He's a good guy. JOAQ: He's a genius. JAY: And you play his son. JOAQ: [watches TV screen come up] Oh my God. JAY: Now this is...are you familiar with this film? This is Gladiator. JOAQ: [grinning] I... JAY: You play his son. JOAQ: [points at paused video on the TV] Look, what is this thing going on? JAY: I don't know what that means. JOAQ: We're frozen! Can somebody... JAY: You're just moving, really...whatever drug you're on, it looks like you're really slow here. JOAQ: It's the water, it's Jay's water. I had it imported. JAY: I told you not to... So, I guess this is when the father, your father explains to you he's giving the kingdom to someone else. JOAQ: [sarcastic] What a disappointment. JAY: Take a look. Gladiator. |